when the unconcious peeks in the concious

when the unconcious peeks in the concious
Glimpses into eternity

Monday, 28 July 2014


As I walked along the stadium boundary, I increased my speed many folds.No, not because I was followed but because it was a natural impulse. All of fifteen yet eight years in the constant shadow of eve teasing, groping, molestation makes you instinctive and alert like a deer in the forest.

All of a sudden I hear a voice, "tssk tssk" I speed up frantically and in moments, a boy hardly of 16 or 17 comes in grabs my hand and says "Come with me."

"No!" I shout back and try to bite him. He slaps me but I somehow manage to free myself but he grabs me from the back

"Kick them hard on the balls." 

I remembered what my father said to me but he is facing my back so, how can I. I struggle vehemently making sure I don't shout because I knew shouting may turn this into a group thing and a lone person is easier to fight than the group.

As I struggled my life flashed past me. "The Topper Me", "The House Vice Captain Me","The Good Daughter Me", "The Responsible Elder Sister Me.", "The Writer Me.", "The Ambitious Me.", "The Hopelessly Romantic Me." all flashed past me and I thought all will end. Was my life all these to come to an end like this? Am I nothing but a stranger's object of perverted lust? Will my first touch by the opposite sex be that of a horror?. Funnily I didn't know how intercourse is but I knew Rape was something which can even kill you.

As I was counting my breathes thinking it to be my last few I thought that let him turn me and then I will kick him but then he left me and I saw that the reason for his sudden kindness was a car that passed by, I ran hard and reached to a place where there were people and soon faced another eve teasing.

I confided in my best friend who was a girl as I could not disclose it to my parents as they had hands full with their own problem. What she did was amazing. She spread it across like a wild fire. i was taunted and teased in hushed voices just because I was a quiet child my emotions were not counted in.

It made me very angry.

A few days later while traveling by a Tempo (Ford Tempo in Public Transport Form) I was groped as usual by someone aged 20 to 22. I kept quiet and tried to angle myself to safety. All of a sudden a boy from the tution of my age riding a bike (in small towns legal age of driving a bike is not an issue) offered me a lift and i gladly took it. On sitting on his bike the first thought struck me was, "Oh My God! What have i done?" this boy had a crush on me and used to gaze me all day long in the classes. I became petrified remembering the incident a few days back. The way I was treated and the insults afterwards had shattered my confidence. it had robbed me of my childhood and adolescence. All the while he was talking sweet nothings and was having a time of his life (We didn't had social networking so, the adolescent love had its innocence) and i was having a harrowing time with in me that he would.....

But he didn't. He left me to my destination and the next time we talked properly was ten years after.

My anger subsided after this.

I noted a few things:
1. The person who assaulted me was from the unprivileged section of the society: He lacked education, had to see the harsher part of the life and was aggressive and brutal. He was so, used to be treated like an animal that he became an animal. If he is a criminal in the making whose fault is it? His or the society? The Government? who runs on Vote bank and educating him is a tough process so, create flashy schemes to lure them.

2. The people who mocked me came from good families.The school where I studied was one of the top schools in the city. It has produced bright professionals. But why did they lack empathy? Is it their fault or the fault of the education they received? Do we need to make our children a better humans first and then successful people?

3. I hid the fact. My thought process was its a big stigma, I might be framed as someone with lose morals. My self confidence hit the lowest abyss. As parents are we giving our daughters the confidence they need to have in us? We educate our children so that we have faith in them but do they have faith in us?

4. The bike boy: Well, he was someone who was a Juvenile technically and mentally. Compare him with the Stadium boy. He was more privileged, more educated, rightly educated than the Stadium Boy.This brought in a change in mentality.

I am not talking about what is to be done with the Juveniles who commit heinous crimes. My objective here is to raise some points that how these can be avoided because on the day of the incident

I thought If I had died will hanging the boy bring me back to life? 
No. It will be justice delivered.

Will it stop all the crimes of the same fashion? 
No, People will commit crimes.


So, how to uproot this permanently?
 Evolve into a better informed and empathetic society.

How much time will it take? 
Many years.

Which government will do that?
We will do that because Government is BY THE PEOPLE, OF THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE
So, we are the only power who will stay forever the rest will come and go in five years.

It's our Country, Our People, Our Children.

Weather the victims and criminals both are our children. So, its our responsibility to correct them before their souls are lost. Weather a murderer or the victim both the souls are lost forever.



Thursday, 17 July 2014

In the Midst of All Chapter 5 Part One The Ticket.

The door bell rang, bringing Vaidehi out of her noon siesta. It was winters and she dozed off while reading a newspaper in the balcony. She first thought that it was Siddhartha. He had went to the Market to run some Holiday errands with their son.

She stood up slowly, her spinal chord a bit stiff. It was like that since the birth of her youngest son but the pain was bearable if one thought of what would have happened that day. God was merciful on them. Everything went of well twelve years back and she believed everything will go well from then onwards. Her belief was firm and unshaken. Any disturbance in the way life is today will spell doom for her. She was happy now. She was contended. She wanted to be that way. Vaidehi loved stability. She loved being sure of things even before they happened.

As she opened the door, she was surprised. She saw her daughter, Devyani, beaming from ear to ear. She looked serene, with her calm eyes, beaming smile (just like Siddhartha). Clad casually in a blue worn out jeans and casual ill fitting white shirt with a back pack on her back, Devyani, her child, her first born. Devyani's presence always assured Vaidehi that everything was all right. She was calm, stable and not like other teenagers she used to see. She always had been "The Good Child", "The Good Daughter" who had a transparent face and was as innocent as that mountain spring. Her existance assured Vaidehi every time that everything will be as good as it is now. Only if she had known the turbulence in the midst of all this calm. But it is not to be known.

"You were supposed to come a fortnight after." said Vaidehi with a motherly smile.

"Ask your husband, he told me to come." said Vaidehi with child like playfulness entering in the home.

"You have grown very naughty."

"Yes, I know." said Devyani as she placed the bag in her room.

"Now what do you want from the fridge?"

"I am hungry, Ma. Is there something to eat?"

"Wait, lunch is ready."

"All right, will have it when Dad comes. Where is Abhi?"

"Gone with your Dad."

"All right."

"Where are you coming from?"

"Agra, why are you asking?"

"Nothing, just like that. Where are you going?"

"To take a bath."

"You didn't bathe while coming here?"

"Yes, but I feel like to have it once again."

As Devyani entered for a bath she thought of Mrinal. She knew he was falling for her. His eyes told her this and this made her uncomfortable to the core. She didn't want to be loved. She just wanted to be "used and thrown" time and again till the time his words, Arghya's words dissolved in her unconscious. Till the time she felt like she had punished herself enough for her innocence. Till the time her love......

She again started to feel the heat building up under her skin. Every single pore of her skin was set on fire. She was burning. She rubbed her palms against her palm, her stomach but it burnt more. She pursed her lips in pain and tightly closed her eyes holding her pain. When all of a sudden she remembered something. A voice, she heard this morning played in her brain.

"This bag is too heavy, can I hold it for you?" said the stranger in the train who sat across her as she started walking towards the exit gate at Gwalior Railway station. He was smiling pleasantly and that made her smile back.

"No, Thanks."

"Are you sure? By the way I would love to see you tumble down with this load."

On this she laughed aloud.

She opened her eyes. The shower water was falling on her. The pain had gone. The memory of that voice somewhere soothed her.

She dried herself, dressed hurriedly and came out of the shower. Jumping and Bumping into things she took her bag, sat eagerly drawing the bag to her lap and frantically fished out for the ticket. She searched and searched but couldn't find it. She took out all her clothes one after another and finally she found the ticket, snugly sitting at the bottom of the bag. She took it, it was crumbled. She opened it in a haste and at the back of the ticket she found a number. She took her note diary and a pen and quickly copied the number, tore the ticket and let out a sigh of relief.

"I am going to call him" she said with a feeble smile.

To be continued.......

Friday, 11 July 2014

Chapter Four Part Three Inception

Waiting at that hospital bed beside the window, a thousand thoughts ran across Vaidehi's mind. Her entire life flashed pass by her. She saw herself as a small lanky girl of four running bare foot in a white cotton frock that one of her elder brothers had stitched for her, her pig tail loosening its grip with every single step, behind her was her youngest elder brother five years her senior, tall, a boy of nine was running fast. They had plucked some unripe guavas from the "Old Woman's Guava Tree". This was forbidden and doing forbidden things always gives a sense of mirth and pleasure. She saw her mother lying in her death bed, she was eight then sitting quietly in the lap of her eldest brother, twenty years her senior. Her mother recovered within a month after that but by then she had an innocence which reeked of maturity and calm. She remembered how Manu, the youngest elder brother used to fight with her for studying on that side of the lamp where there is no shadow and how their mother used to throw them out of the house and then they came together to hatch in a plan to get into the house. She remembered the time when she was eleven and Manu died and how she still dreams of him occasionally. She remembered meeting her husband, Siddharth for the first time, She remembered her school days, college days. Thoughts came randomly and vanished. She stared blankly at the window thinking all these. She lost track of the time when all of a sudden she felt a soft tug at her Saree. She saw beside her, it was her daughter, her first  born, just a few hours old but she was able to recognize her, she knew her smell, her touch. Vaidehi touched her soft head and kissed her forehead softly. She was her bundle of joy, the part of her and Siddharth. The one who completed the family that she and Siddharth started building bit by bit five years ago. She was sleeping silently now and her peace gave her peace, "You are my peace, never be turbulent or I might break." said Vaidehi touching her soft hands.

Vaidehi looked at the wall clock it was almost nine o'clock in the morning. Siddjarth had visited her the night before and had saw her in a bit of pain. He promised her to come by six in the next morning and he is never late. She was a little worried and a little disturbed at this unwarranted late. She was continuously looking through the window which overlooked the window to see as if he is coming or not but all in vain. It was nine thirty by now and she was getting a bit more disturbed. When all of a sudden Siddharth marched into the room with a beaming smile and tear filled eyes. All of Vaidehi's anger evaporated.

"I am sorry...... I am late.....I know you....you have been waiting but....... Mother won't let me go without breakfast. I was rushing.....the doctor.....told me.....told me.....that...." He said panting at first then words escaped him as he saw her, his child, his daughter, his pride, she looked like a small fairy...sparkling eyes, prominent nose, a bit longer than the average new borns, all cozy in the white warm blanket.

He lifted her and cradled her in her arms, tear started flowing from his eyes copiously as he looked from her to Vaidehi.

"I know Devyani....the name you always thought of." said  Vaidehi as Siddharth could no longer speak.

They had many discussions about it even before Vaidehi's pregnancy.

"The chariot of Gods, Devyani. Divinity, strength, direction all together you see Devyani we will have a perfect daughter." Siddharth used to say often.

"And what if we have a boy, think of some name for him too, in case....you never know." said Vaidehi lightly

"No, It won't be."

And now, she was there in his lap looking at him with wonder, trying to imprint this face into her memory...her first glimpses of humanity, these two faces were her only evidence of a human face, her initial imprint on her blank slate of a memory..........

It was fine for them as of now and calm they were at peace as of now and so Devyani slept in her father's arm feeling secured, as of now, the dice of destiny had rolled and it would have rolled further but till then Devyani slept peacfully and Vaidehi had found her peace in Devyani.

To be Continued....