The Beginnings

.........And I missed my train.

I sat on my hunches, panting hard grasping every breath as if it were my last. My heart kept on jumping in my rib cage as if it just wants to be set free, maybe it wanted to be freed of the body it was hopelessly pumping life in.

I closed my eyes and still the pain won't go off. I tried to get up and somehow dragged my body to the bench and sat somehow clinging my bag, the only luggage I had. I looked up at the concrete roof of the station and the sickly ceiling fan and smiled. I never missed a train actually and it was my first.

"Hello, missed the train?"

I sat up startled and looked at a smiling face. A pretty good looking face at that. Missing train may have it's own perks I believe.

"Yes." I said

"Well I saw you running towards it and I was in it."

"Were you sleeping that it took you so long to get down at the station?"

"No, I got in the train from this station, I saw you missing your train and I got down."

"Why?"

"Because I felt like it."

"Why?" 

"The next train leaves at 10 o'clock in the night. We have 4 hours plus the train ride in our hands."

"So, what do we do?"

"Live the moment when we are still together."

"I don't know let us roam around the city." I smiled something in me told me that this is going to last.

Even if it doesn't last I wouldn't lose out on the moment where I can be in the road of falling in love with each other. Falling in love and the rush of this moment was so amazing that you could live your entire life in misery out of it. I was the one who lived in moments and this moment or the next moments were mine and I will certainly Live, Love and Laugh in them.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Sky on Fire

My Sky is on Fire

The earth is not my abode

Hither I wonder

Remember I am the Vulcan

Thrown out of heaven

Still too proud for the earth.

On Empathy

When I first stepped as a nervous newbie in that school little did I know how far will helping others take me. My first day in a new school and a new city was horrible. I joined mid session in the month of  September. On the first day as I entered the class all the kids were playing as the assembly bell was yet to ring. I was all of nine and half years studying in 5th Standard. After assembly I was introduced formally and was made to sit in a bench in the last rows because of my height.

The first day was:

Me smiling a friendly smile at all.

All frowning back at me.

This went on for a month till the mid terms I used to sit in a corner and quietly do my work. The Mid Term elevated my status from a "New comer Nobody" to "One of the Toppers Somebody". Atleast people didn't frown the just returned my smile with a blank stare.

Then that day came: One of the classmates accidentally dropped his tiffin and I quietly forwarded my tiffin and said him to have it. He had his fill and I was a bit empty stomach but it felt good when he smiled looking at me and said "Thank You". This is what I wanted for so log a selfless smile at me.

It slowly became a pattern in the class. If a student got stuck in a particular chapter I explained it. If a person had a problem in Drawing I helped her. I was my Class' "Help and Advice Centre".

On a lighter not being benevolent was my USP. I was not an interesting company nor I was a beautiful company. So, what won me friends was my benevolence and empathy. 

My mother said that they were just using me and I was investing my time on them for nothing but I was using their smiles to bring me joy.

That was when being benevolent helped me to become a better human. I learnt to be more empathic towards people.

True I don't give alms to beggars because I believe in empathy and not in sympathy. My logic is till there is life in you be the light in you.

I have seen a blind man selling incense stick in front of the Railway Station. I buy them even though I don't use them. The reason: I am respecting his choice of not bowing to easier means of work.  

Swami Vivekananda once said - If you give a fish to a hungry man you fulfill his hunger for a single day but if you teach the man how to fish you solve his hunger for a lifetime.

Benevolence for me is understanding a person's problem and work together towards solving the problem in such a way that the problem never comes again and even if it comes we have the solution in hand or are ready to face it efficiently.

If I help a person, I address the process and not the output. For eg: If a person comes and says me to write an application for him or her in English because he cannot frame words properly I will guide him to frame the sentences and give him a basic understanding of sentence formation. It will take much more time compared to the process where I simply write the letter but in the long run it will be much more fruitful.

Kindness and empathy are two things which can never have a transactional value in terms of material. The only thing you expect out of being kind is the smile of the person whom you help.

OF JUVENILES

As I walked along the stadium boundary, I increased my speed many folds.No, not because I was followed but because it was a natural impulse. All of fifteen yet eight years in the constant shadow of eve teasing, groping, molestation makes you instinctive and alert like a deer in the forest.

All of a sudden I hear a voice, "tssk tssk" I speed up frantically and in moments, a boy hardly of 16 or 17 comes in grabs my hand and says "Come with me."

"No!" I shout back and try to bite him. He slaps me but I somehow manage to free myself but he grabs me from the back

"Kick them hard on the balls." 

I remembered what my father said to me but he is facing my back so, how can I. I struggle vehemently making sure I don't shout because I knew shouting may turn this into a group thing and a lone person is easier to fight than the group.

As I struggled my life flashed past me. "The Topper Me", "The House Vice Captain Me","The Good Daughter Me", "The Responsible Elder Sister Me.", "The Writer Me.", "The Ambitious Me.", "The Hopelessly Romantic Me." all flashed past me and I thought all will end. Was my life all these to come to an end like this? Am I nothing but a stranger's object of perverted lust? Will my first touch by the opposite sex be that of a horror?. Funnily I didn't know how intercourse is but I knew Rape was something which can even kill you.

As I was counting my breathes thinking it to be my last few I thought that let him turn me and then I will kick him but then he left me and I saw that the reason for his sudden kindness was a car that passed by, I ran hard and reached to a place where there were people and soon faced another eve teasing.

I confided in my best friend who was a girl as I could not disclose it to my parents as they had hands full with their own problem. What she did was amazing. She spread it across like a wild fire. i was taunted and teased in hushed voices just because I was a quiet child my emotions were not counted in.

It made me very angry.

A few days later while traveling by a Tempo (Ford Tempo in Public Transport Form) I was groped as usual by someone aged 20 to 22. I kept quiet and tried to angle myself to safety. All of a sudden a boy from the tution of my age riding a bike (in small towns legal age of driving a bike is not an issue) offered me a lift and i gladly took it. On sitting on his bike the first thought struck me was, "Oh My God! What have i done?" this boy had a crush on me and used to gaze me all day long in the classes. I became petrified remembering the incident a few days back. The way I was treated and the insults afterwards had shattered my confidence. it had robbed me of my childhood and adolescence. All the while he was talking sweet nothings and was having a time of his life (We didn't had social networking so, the adolescent love had its innocence) and i was having a harrowing time with in me that he would.....

But he didn't. He left me to my destination and the next time we talked properly was ten years after.

My anger subsided after this.

I noted a few things:
1. The person who assaulted me was from the unprivileged section of the society: He lacked education, had to see the harsher part of the life and was aggressive and brutal. He was so, used to be treated like an animal that he became an animal. If he is a criminal in the making whose fault is it? His or the society? The Government? who runs on Vote bank and educating him is a tough process so, create flashy schemes to lure them.

2. The people who mocked me came from good families.The school where I studied was one of the top schools in the city. It has produced bright professionals. But why did they lack empathy? Is it their fault or the fault of the education they received? Do we need to make our children a better humans first and then successful people?

3. I hid the fact. My thought process was its a big stigma, I might be framed as someone with lose morals. My self confidence hit the lowest abyss. As parents are we giving our daughters the confidence they need to have in us? We educate our children so that we have faith in them but do they have faith in us?

4. The bike boy: Well, he was someone who was a Juvenile technically and mentally. Compare him with the Stadium boy. He was more privileged, more educated, rightly educated than the Stadium Boy.This brought in a change in mentality.

I am not talking about what is to be done with the Juveniles who commit heinous crimes. My objective here is to raise some points that how these can be avoided because on the day of the incident

I thought If I had died will hanging the boy bring me back to life? 
No. It will be justice delivered.

Will it stop all the crimes of the same fashion? 
No, People will commit crimes.

Why?
Because CRIME HAS BECOME AN ATTITUDE.

So, how to uproot this permanently?
 Evolve into a better informed and empathetic society.

How much time will it take? 
Many years.

Which government will do that?
We will do that because Government is BY THE PEOPLE, OF THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE
So, we are the only power who will stay forever the rest will come and go in five years.

It's our Country, Our People, Our Children.

Weather the victims and criminals both are our children. So, its our responsibility to correct them before their souls are lost. Weather a murderer or the victim both the souls are lost forever.

DISCLAIMER: ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THE STORY ARE JUVENILES AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY PERSON NEAR BY YOU IS TO BE ADDRESSED BY YOU AND ONLY YOU.

 

In the Midst of All Chapter 5 Part One The Ticket.

The door bell rang, bringing Vaidehi out of her noon siesta. It was winters and she dozed off while reading a newspaper in the balcony. She first thought that it was Siddhartha. He had went to the Market to run some Holiday errands with their son.

She stood up slowly, her spinal chord a bit stiff. It was like that since the birth of her youngest son but the pain was bearable if one thought of what would have happened that day. God was merciful on them. Everything went of well twelve years back and she believed everything will go well from then onwards. Her belief was firm and unshaken. Any disturbance in the way life is today will spell doom for her. She was happy now. She was contended. She wanted to be that way. Vaidehi loved stability. She loved being sure of things even before they happened.

As she opened the door, she was surprised. She saw her daughter, Devyani, beaming from ear to ear. She looked serene, with her calm eyes, beaming smile (just like Siddhartha). Clad casually in a blue worn out jeans and casual ill fitting white shirt with a back pack on her back, Devyani, her child, her first born. Devyani's presence always assured Vaidehi that everything was all right. She was calm, stable and not like other teenagers she used to see. She always had been "The Good Child", "The Good Daughter" who had a transparent face and was as innocent as that mountain spring. Her existance assured Vaidehi every time that everything will be as good as it is now. Only if she had known the turbulence in the midst of all this calm. But it is not to be known.

"You were supposed to come a fortnight after." said Vaidehi with a motherly smile.

"Ask your husband, he told me to come." said Vaidehi with child like playfulness entering in the home.

"You have grown very naughty."

"Yes, I know." said Devyani as she placed the bag in her room.

"Now what do you want from the fridge?"

"I am hungry, Ma. Is there something to eat?"

"Wait, lunch is ready."

"All right, will have it when Dad comes. Where is Abhi?"

"Gone with your Dad."

"All right."

"Where are you coming from?"

"Agra, why are you asking?"

"Nothing, just like that. Where are you going?"

"To take a bath."

"You didn't bathe while coming here?"

"Yes, but I feel like to have it once again."

As Devyani entered for a bath she thought of Mrinal. She knew he was falling for her. His eyes told her this and this made her uncomfortable to the core. She didn't want to be loved. She just wanted to be "used and thrown" time and again till the time his words, Arghya's words dissolved in her unconscious. Till the time she felt like she had punished herself enough for her innocence. Till the time her love......

She again started to feel the heat building up under her skin. Every single pore of her skin was set on fire. She was burning. She rubbed her palms against her palm, her stomach but it burnt more. She pursed her lips in pain and tightly closed her eyes holding her pain. When all of a sudden she remembered something. A voice, she heard this morning played in her brain.

"This bag is too heavy, can I hold it for you?" said the stranger in the train who sat across her as she started walking towards the exit gate at Gwalior Railway station. He was smiling pleasantly and that made her smile back.

"No, Thanks."

"Are you sure? By the way I would love to see you tumble down with this load."

On this she laughed aloud.

She opened her eyes. The shower water was falling on her. The pain had gone. The memory of that voice somewhere soothed her.

She dried herself, dressed hurriedly and came out of the shower. Jumping and Bumping into things she took her bag, sat eagerly drawing the bag to her lap and frantically fished out for the ticket. She searched and searched but couldn't find it. She took out all her clothes one after another and finally she found the ticket, snugly sitting at the bottom of the bag. She took it, it was crumbled. She opened it in a haste and at the back of the ticket she found a number. She took her note diary and a pen and quickly copied the number, tore the ticket and let out a sigh of relief.

"I am going to call him" she said with a feeble smile.

To be continued.......

Chapter Four Part Three Inception

Waiting at that hospital bed beside the window, a thousand thoughts ran across Vaidehi's mind. Her entire life flashed pass by her. She saw herself as a small lanky girl of four running bare foot in a white cotton frock that one of her elder brothers had stitched for her, her pig tail loosening its grip with every single step, behind her was her youngest elder brother five years her senior, tall, a boy of nine was running fast. They had plucked some unripe guavas from the "Old Woman's Guava Tree". This was forbidden and doing forbidden things always gives a sense of mirth and pleasure. She saw her mother lying in her death bed, she was eight then sitting quietly in the lap of her eldest brother, twenty years her senior. Her mother recovered within a month after that but by then she had an innocence which reeked of maturity and calm. She remembered how Manu, the youngest elder brother used to fight with her for studying on that side of the lamp where there is no shadow and how their mother used to throw them out of the house and then they came together to hatch in a plan to get into the house. She remembered the time when she was eleven and Manu died and how she still dreams of him occasionally. She remembered meeting her husband, Siddharth for the first time, She remembered her school days, college days. Thoughts came randomly and vanished. She stared blankly at the window thinking all these. She lost track of the time when all of a sudden she felt a soft tug at her Saree. She saw beside her, it was her daughter, her first  born, just a few hours old but she was able to recognize her, she knew her smell, her touch. Vaidehi touched her soft head and kissed her forehead softly. She was her bundle of joy, the part of her and Siddharth. The one who completed the family that she and Siddharth started building bit by bit five years ago. She was sleeping silently now and her peace gave her peace, "You are my peace, never be turbulent or I might break." said Vaidehi touching her soft hands.

Vaidehi looked at the wall clock it was almost nine o'clock in the morning. Siddjarth had visited her the night before and had saw her in a bit of pain. He promised her to come by six in the next morning and he is never late. She was a little worried and a little disturbed at this unwarranted late. She was continuously looking through the window which overlooked the window to see as if he is coming or not but all in vain. It was nine thirty by now and she was getting a bit more disturbed. When all of a sudden Siddharth marched into the room with a beaming smile and tear filled eyes. All of Vaidehi's anger evaporated.

"I am sorry...... I am late.....I know you....you have been waiting but....... Mother won't let me go without breakfast. I was rushing.....the doctor.....told me.....told me.....that...." He said panting at first then words escaped him as he saw her, his child, his daughter, his pride, she looked like a small fairy...sparkling eyes, prominent nose, a bit longer than the average new borns, all cozy in the white warm blanket.

He lifted her and cradled her in her arms, tear started flowing from his eyes copiously as he looked from her to Vaidehi.

"Dev..."
"I know Devyani....the name you always thought of." said  Vaidehi as Siddharth could no longer speak.

They had many discussions about it even before Vaidehi's pregnancy.

"The chariot of Gods, Devyani. Divinity, strength, direction all together you see Devyani we will have a perfect daughter." Siddharth used to say often.

"And what if we have a boy, think of some name for him too, in case....you never know." said Vaidehi lightly

"No, It won't be."

And now, she was there in his lap looking at him with wonder, trying to imprint this face into her memory...her first glimpses of humanity, these two faces were her only evidence of a human face, her initial imprint on her blank slate of a memory..........

It was fine for them as of now and calm they were at peace as of now and so Devyani slept in her father's arm feeling secured, as of now, the dice of destiny had rolled and it would have rolled further but till then Devyani slept peacfully and Vaidehi had found her peace in Devyani.

To be Continued....

Chapter Four, Part Two, Numb

"Now I stand here, in this empty room all surrounded by mirrors, Mirrors of silver haze, mirrors of perpetual purity, I stand  here unclothed, hidden by black curtains, curtains, jet black hiding all secrets from the constant gaze of mirror, I am crying but tears don't come up, my tears are dried up and cries are all hollow, I shout but voice has left my vocal chords, I see someone chasing me, a predator, he is cunning full of stealth and raw cruel intentions, he predates on the souls, tears the flesh and  crumbles the bones to fish out the soul, bleeds you dry only to use your blood in a vibrant painting of mirth, I run all of a sudden clothed in red, I run through narrow lanes, I run fast and catch every breath I run hard and I don't look back as I am afraid his hypnotic calm eyes may seduce me to relish my own death, I don't want to die, not like this and I run, I stumble on a stone and I fall and I see a hand, his hand with a broad silver armlet getting hold of my right feet and drag me and I fall...."

The train screeches to a halt and I am glad that I didn't fall, I had slipped into a slumber and it was just a recurring dream, a dream I remember I had always seen since the time I could remember, may be I am too ambitious or competitive and hating losing, failing or falling, or may be the Mystery Man, The predator is someone from my past life, wow! interesting fantasies I have got, may be he was the one who was my life once and had betrayed my trust to become my death, maybe he was some tribal prince and I was his fiance and had been adulterous........

"Is the seat taken?"
I look at this man a bit pissed off, come on you don't break someone's day dreaming like that.
"Is the seat taken, Madam?" he asks again, this time more politely.
"No, its not." I say a bit sternly and look out of the window.
The man sits there quietly smiling all the while.

I stared at the window as I was not interested in any further conversation, for now I just wanted to be with me, just me.
I remembered many things I usually do this while I am silent I revise the episodes of my life quickly, I now remember last year December, I felt so dirty I felt so vile and uncouth, I was walking towards my home and my mother was standing at the balcony, she smiled and said "Welcome Home Dear, Hope you didn't have the heavy back pack troubling you? You look a bit tired, are you all right?"
I look up and say "I am all right" and open the gate to enter the home but me and my soul knew that I was far from being all right, I was feeling so, dirty that I could hardly look up in my mother's eyes, I entered into my home rushed to my room, and without saying a word jumped into the bathroom, I undressed myself and stood below the shower, tears started flowing copiously from my eyes, I held my mouth tightly with my palm lest my Mother  might hear me crying, blood drops flowed with water, clinging my thighs going down reaching my knees, traveling my shin and touching my feet to reach the bathroom floor out of the drain, I smiled, my "purity", my "chastity" flowing down the drain. I was treated like a dirt, this was a date from the hell, he  relished in taking away that thing which had hurt me the most, my innocence. I cringed when I remembered his face, his perverted mirth on taking away my.....and his licking of his fingers....I slumped to the ground placing my arms around my legs, placing my head between the knees, I cried and I cried hard, I rubbed my hands on my arm to let go of the feel of his touch I rubbed hard till they went all red and hurt me but it didn't go away. I sat their blankly staring the bathroom wall and all of a sudden something snapped inside me, I was in a continuous pain for so long, it was like someone is whipping you constantly and it hurts makes you bleed from the skin, from the flesh and then there comes a moment all of a sudden when you do not mind the pain' you feel it but get used to it, after some time you sense their is no respite from this ache so you relish the pain, you keep on relishing till finally it pains once more real hard and then it stops paining at all, now you are not used to  it, you don't  relish it, you don't feel it but you are indifferent to it as it doesn't exist and your life moves on as it should be.

My mother knocks at the washroom door, "What's taking you so long? it's winters you will catch cold."
two minutes later I open the door with a smile, "Sorry Mom."

"Will you be getting down at Gwalior?"
"Yes." this time I smile.
"Come in front of me."
I stand and do so, I understood his intentions were to save me from possible rowdies and mischief mongers who were ogling at me continuously and that's the reason he fathomed I was looking no where but at the window.....

To be Continued...

For Earlier Happenings Visit

Chapter 4 Part One